SATs, FINALS, and BOYS

yes. all three of those are going on at once right now. ill be back writing long [hehe long] ones soon!

when is happy enough no longer... enough?

Hey guys. I just wanted to tell everyone [if there's anyone?] who reads my blog that I'm so sorry its been a while.

Let me fill you in on what's been going on.

Remember how I told you I was going through a "social transition"? Well here's something interesting. I've rediscovered a group of kids from the local private school I've known forever and have always been friendly with. There is one problem though... they like to intermingle with the kids who treated me like shit. So mutual social events are... awkward to say the least. But I'll get through it. I always do.

We're nearing the end of the school year and I've never been more stressed. I don't know why. School is such a blur at this point, it's like I've lived the last 9 months of my life on auto pilot and now it's time to disengage it. I'm having a hard time coping. Drinking and smoking just a little bit too much for my taste. I know I can stop, but I just don't see the point at the moment. Things with the "get real" boy do seem to be at an end. He's moving in 2 weeks and although we have been talking on a more regular basis it's really just chatting. I just sent him a message on Facebook basically saying goodbye once and for all. You see, we always say it's over and then we always end up back in each others arms. Here's how it went:

hey XXX.

just wanted to send you a last goodbye. the school year is coming to a close and you'll be off to Chicago soon and who knows where I'll be. Although you and I, whatever it was or wasn't had been tumultuous at time I don't think I would have changed much. I hope you feel the same way, I doubt it though.

I just wanted to say that if you ever need anything don't take me for a flake like the people that you sometimes call friends. You know who I'm talking about. I'll always help you if you need it, just because even before this all started you were always a good friend to me.

it was good while it lasted.
bye XXXXXXX

I made the comment about the "flakey" friends because these are the same group of people who we so awful to me.

I have started talking to a new guy I'll call Dave. Dave and I have hooked up in the past and had briefly discussed dating before he went off to college just a short 2 hour drive away. I actually make that drive all the time and at this point can do it in my sleep. I really like this kid, but the problem is that his parents would not be cool with him being gay. He has some money and has been dating this girl who just uses him for money. But it works for him because when she found out about me and him she was so in love with the money she stayed with him. So over this summer while he is home we'll see what happens. I'll keep you guys posted.

I'm a little typed out. There's more to tell. But I promise I'll post tomorrow.

G'Night!

Oh, and here's a quote from my favorite TV show, Top Gear.

"...the Queen of England. Or Elton John. Which are the same thing really."

-James May

An Email convo

I was talking to one of my readers and we had an interesting conversation. I wanted to post it for you guys because I feel like some of the points I present to him are really relevant to those of you who are looking to come out but are afraid of the consequences.

Him:

We haven't emailed in a while :(. Oh well, late is better than never, eh? Two things. First, I watched Get Real. It was a good movie. Not my favorite coming-of-age movie, but it was good. They were both hot. I liked the whole drama with the fat girl, but didn't like (it was good just was kind of unpleasent) how they did not really get back together in the end (I think). I understand it, but the main character was being a bit of a bitch towards his boyfriend, has to be more understanding. The thing with the closet guy and his wife, sad but true. Also, it sucks that you can relate. If he wil not talk to you, you should persue him and ask if he is gay. He may just be nervous, try to help him through. Second, I am glad you are feeling better. Everybody has ups and downs. I just came out of mine where I was afraid I am capable of feeling love towards nature but not towards people. I am better now though. I wrote in my diary about this, but have yet to
transfer it to text. Anyway, until next time.

My reply:

Hi XXXXXXXX! Nice to hear from you again.

I agree about the ending of "Get Real", it was a weird way to end that sort of movie. Steven isn't really my type, but I think that's because him and I are kind of similar. Yeah Steven could have been more understanding, but John swept him off his feet and wanted to be his Romeo when it was convenient for him. You can't turn Juliet-like emotions on and off. Trust me. lol. My "guy" talks to me, I just sort of miss the intimacy we had. I know he's gay, he won't admit it to me even though I think he knows that he is deep in his heart. That's okay, he shouldn't come out until he is good and ready. I would hate for something bad to come of him coming out at my urging and then have him resent me for the rest of his life. There are a lot of factors preventing him from being his true self. He says his Mom and Dad would be devastated if he was gay, but I know his parents and I know that wouldn't be the case. He is clearly the favorite though, and he knows this. I think he would be afraid that would change. He has an older brother and 2 younger brothers. I think he wants to set an example for his younger brothers and his older brother is really cool to me but he wouldn't be cool with a gay brother. His older brother isn't as popular as he is but still, you want to be cool with everyone in your family for obvious reasons. And the guys he hangs out with are cordial to me but in private they bash me and gay people. Which is fine, they are entitled to their opinions, but I think that knowing what he does know about his friends dissuades him from coming out. Even though, I think, that if your friends can't accept you however you are [as long as you aren't hurting yourself or others] then they aren't your real friends. I know that sound cliche but I really think it's true.

But thank you for being happy for me, it means a lot. For the first time in a while I am content. When you figure out how to elaborate on your nature vs. people love issue let me know. I'm intrigued to learn what you mean. I am glad you are feeling better. As pathetic as it is, your social status [not popularity, but just status with the people you call your friends] as a teenager can really determine how happy you are on the outside. Things on the inside can always eat at you when you're happy or sad but when you're happy you can usually overcome those negative feelings.

So far you are my most loyal and consistent reader and I wanted to thank you again for listening to what I have to say. Hearing from you really motivates me to keep going. Because, let's be honest, when you're happy, the last thing you have tine for is online blogging when no one is listening. We use blogging as a release, but when you're happy you don't usually have anything to release. Having a reader like you waiting to see my next entry and email me to discuss it really makes me want to sit down and write something meaningful, even if it doesn't come from negativity.

-Alex

What am awesome weekend!

Wow you guys... finally! I actually had a good weekend. I think this is the first good weekend I've had in about 5 months.

I have tons of HW to do so I'm going to keep this one short.

All I have to say is that everything has a natural wave to it. Meaning what goes up must come down and what goes down must come up.

I usually like to end with a "gay quote" but just read my above line. I really want you to focus in on it and try and connect it with things that have happened in the past. I know it might not seem like it now, but it really is true.

Sorry about yesterday guys

I'm really sorry about yesterday's post. As I'm sure you could tell it was not a good day. Today was okay, I got through it and I actually managed to smile a few times.

I got to sleep in and leisurely, pick-up some sushi for lunch, and then head oer to school. I ate my lunch with the people I usually do but for some reason today there was really good conversation and it was a pretty good time, lots of stuff to laugh about. I got my class ring today too, that was kind of cool. Today's post is going to be sort of short, I'm just really saying sorry for yesterday. Tomorrow is supposed to be a good day, but I'll keep you posted.

Whew... Thank God Today is almost over

By the time I get this post done today will be over...Today was one of those roller-coaster days. I woke up happy, went to school and was happy, drove to the mall to discover I forgot my wallet at home, then came home, suddenly got depressed, and then ended up driving 100 miles going nowhere. Driving is my escape. I'm also a really big car enthusiast, so being able to use my passion as a way to relieve stress is actually pretty convenient. At least I don't have to use massive amounts of drugs to make myself feel better. The only damage done is the damage done to the environment by my 350hp rocket ship of a car.

When I got home from my epic drive I was surprised to see my Godmother, Godfather, and two of my Godbrothers. I love them very much but it was just too much for me to handle. I kindly excused myself to my room and have been here for the last 5 hours. Luckily I don't have class until 11am tomorrow so I can sleep in and hopefully feel a little bit better tomorrow. My social situation just sucks beyond belief right now. I don't have enough time and patience and you would have to be really bored to read my explanation if I decided to type it out.

I owe surviving today to a band called Tickle Me Pink. My new friend Matt turned me on to them and I'm obsessed. Especially with the song called "Typical". It just describes everything I was feeling today. I'll enclose the lyrics at the bottom of this post.

I think that to the two loyal friends I have left I made it look like I was close to suicide today. Maybe I was. I won't lie... I did think about it . I couldn't do that to my Mom though. She is the most beautiful person I know and I could never leave her on this Earth for a reason as selfish as a fucked up social life. As far as that is concerned I just feel like I can never keep my friends for long. I don't know if its something I do wrong or not. I try to ask but no one is honest with me. It's something that is really hard to live with everyday. It makes me really self-conscious. Which is something I usually strive not to be, and usually succeed. I feel like I'm rambling. I think I just have too much emotion running through me today to put a coherent post together. I'm sorry if you read all of this to find there is no climatic event. Hopefully I can make it up to you with tomorrow's post. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to dinner with my friend Eli, his Mom, his brother, my mom, and my sister. If I'm not this depressed I'll go and it should be fun. I'll keep you posted on that. Still waiting for my new therapist to make time to see me. You'd think for $120 an hour she would see me all the time, but supposedly there are a lot more rich fucked up people than I originally thought.

"Typical" by Tickle Me Pink

She struts up to me
She whispers my name as if I know her
But I never knew her
She asks me the time
Quarter to one, we go for a drive
I just don't know her

On the coldest night
In the darkest room
I will Sleep alone
Cause it's better than you,
Yeah, it's better than you.

You can play me like that
It's a matter of fact
You're nothing more, than a typical whore
And I won't be your fool

We go to her house
Flip on the tele, and ly on the couch
But I don't feel her, anymore
She asks me to bed
This is the end of my disenchantment
Now that I'm walking out the door

On the coldest night
In the darkest room
I will sleep alone
'Cause it's better than you
Yeah, it's better than you

You can play me like that
It's a matter of fact
You nothing more than a typical whore
And I won't be you fool, anymore
Maybe someday you'll get it
Perhaps you'll regret it
Or maybe you'll find someone else to accept it
I won't be the one.

You can play me like that
It's a matter of fact (4x)

One the coldest night
In the darkest room
I will sleep alone
'Cause it's better than you
Yeah, it's better than you

You can play me like that
It's a matter of fact
You're nothing more than a typical whore
And I won't be your fool, anymore
Maybe someday you'll get it
Perhaps you'll regret it
Or maybe you'll find someone else to accept it
I won't be the one

I NEVER cry...EVER

The only time you will ever see me cry is if I am in a fight with my parents and extremely frustrated. However, last night at the suggestion of a member on gayteenforums.net I watched a movie called "Get Real". All I have to say is, "WOW!". It was so well done that I can't even begin to put it in to words. I can put in to words that if it made me cry it would make anyone cry. So if you're in the mood for a great movie look it up on YouTube, you can watch the whole movie there.

I won't give the entire story away but if you do decide to watch it there is a part where the character called Steven shows up to John's house while drunk. Just pay extra attention to that part. I cried like a baby.

Allow me to tell you a story that is sort of parallel to the story of "Get Real"

On December 14th of 2008 I got a text message from a long time friend of mine who we'll call Tony. Now Tony is very attractive and dates all the best looking girls in school. I always found it a little weird that he could never keep a girlfriend and that he was still a virgin. I never really gave it much more thought though. On that fateful night at 12:02 am I had just gotten home from a friend's house and in to bed when I got a text. The following is the conversation that ensued.

Him: what are you doing

Me: just got back from being out. u?

him: oh. listen if u dont want to just say no but i wanna hang out and do something but this would really ruin my reputation so you couldnt tell anyone. im serious about this

Me: haha very funny

Him: im not kidding. you can call me. id maybe even give you head if you gave me head.

well to make a long story [and text conversation] short, we did end up hooking up that night and we did give each other head. I'm not sure if it's because the whole thing between us was so forbidden that it was probably the best hookup I've ever had or if it just really was the best hookup I've ever had. We continued our "thing" for almost 5 months, meeting every week or so until a week ago on Monday. We were both really getting stressed about the whole thing and we were worried we might get caught. And to tell you the truth, I was starting to like him. I never told him, but I sort of regret it. I still don't know if he's straight or gay. We did some stuff no straight guy would ever do "just to get off". He's still bouncing between girlfriends and told me that he and his last girlfriend had sex and he lost his virginity to her but I know her pretty well and that is far form the truth. She tried to have sex with him and he wouldn't do it. At this point I've left the ball in his court. I'm not going to text him to hook up. I did need to talk to him for something totally unrelated to "us" the other night and I called him at about 11:30pm and he answered his phone. Which sort of shocked me. I mean usually I would be calling that late for some ass, he had to have known that so if he didn't want to hook up anymore [it was more him who brought everything to an end, but I was sensing it so I gave him the out] why would he answer? He's also gotten better at avoiding me at school. He doesn't do it at all anymore actually.

If you watch "Get Real" you will see the parallels. I think that coincidence might have been the reason I got so emotional. Who really knows though? Being a teenager is so confusing!

Until next time I leave you with a quote from the "Queen of England" Sir Elton John:

"I just wish more of my fellow queers would come out sometimes. It's nice out here, you know?